think pink...

No, not preggers, although at least at the end of that ordeal, you have something wonderful to take home with you. No, I'm talking about something we, as women, are all scared of, something every time we feel a twinge in our chest, or feel something odd in the shower, or visit the gynecologist - we start to worry. At least I do. Did.

About two weeks ago, while watching TV, I laid my hand on my chest and felt something hard. My husband was out of town, it was almost midnight and I did what most normal people would do - I panicked! I called my mom, crying, not sure what I expected her to tell me...but just needed someone to tell me, right then, that it's probably nothing and not to worry. I cried myself to sleep that night.

I'm a bit over-dramatic (surprise!) and as I tried to will myself to sleep, my brain was being bombarded with horrible thoughts...all the 'what-ifs' that you really shouldn't think about at one in the morning. Alone.

My doctor was able to get me in the very next morning and sure enough, it wasn't my imagination. There was a large lump sticking out of my chest. He immediately, but calmly, called for a mammogram and ultrasound. He told me that I appeared very calm and commended me on that (being cool in tough situations is not my strong suit)...but what else can you do? He can't tell me what, if anything is actually wrong with me. So I decided to not invite worry into my life.

I went for the mammogram/ultrasound and was so nervous. I'd only heard horror story, after horror story about how it felt like your boob is being smashed by the garage door. Well, girls, I gotta say - it was NOT BAD AT ALL! Sure, it's awkward - but it doesn't even come close to what I had imagined it was going to be like.

The worst part of the testing is that no one can tell you anything...so you lay there on table looking for clues in the ultrasound technician's eyes...wondering if they're seeing anything. Then you wait for a couple of days. The doctor called me, and of course, I missed the call. When he didn't just leave a message saying "hey, everything's fine," I knew that I wasn't yet finished. When we finally connected, his voice was normal and he simply said, "good news, bad news."

"The good news is that it's a cyst and we want to have it drained/biopsied. The bad news is that there is a spot on the other breast that we want better pictures of."

Again...that 'spot' could be a myriad of things...so, he tells me to go back, do a spot compression and another ultrasound and then take all my images to a breast specialist (didn't know there was such a thing).

So, that brings us to today...had the 2nd round of mammogram and ultrasound this afternoon. The mammogram technician commented that it didn't look as bad as she initially thought (the films from last week show a fairly large and what I would call 'organized' mass), so, I'm taking that as good news.

In the meantime, I'm not going to worry. I'm not going to think about the 'what ifs' - or at least TRY not to and I'm going to encourage all my girlfriends to get to their doctors and if they suggest you go have a mammogram...don't argue with them, don't sulk...JUST DO IT!

really?

I'm having one of those moments where I think that it would make me a happier person if I could just suddenly not know the people I know (except my hubcaps and kiddos, of course!). It's not like someone has offended me, I just am surrounded by people and circumstances that quite honestly, I do not want to deal with anymore.

I'm tired of pretending that I find your life humorous, or cute. I'm tired of excusing your behavior. I think it all boils down to the fact that I'm going through a very selfish period in my life. Selfish, not that it's all about ME, but selfish, in that I don't want my energy to be sucked dry by stupid people anymore.

Sorry for the rant, but I DO feel better now.

Enjoy your day!

No, I didn't have another kid...

Just wanted to take a sec to explain that the child pictured here (and on my Twitter account) is NOT mine!! He's my nephew and I just liked this picture, although I'm not really sure why.

I don't get to see my nephews much and since during this particular visit, we really seemed to bond, I just wanted to re-live it again, at least for a little while. Now, since I'm here, I might as well do a little bit of updating....so here goes.

On the work front, things are great...I think I've finally moved into a position that I can sink my teeth in and grow with. Hubcaps is doing well -- working WAY too many hours right now, but praying that will subside and we can get back into a fairly "normal" routine.

The biggest thing happening in our world right now is that I made a very difficult decision to take my kids out of private school - the only school, friends, teachers they've known - and move them into a Charter School. I'm a little bit nervous about all the growth and learning opportunities (for all of us) that are just around the corner, but each day since making the decision, I just feel like God has been confirming that the right decision was made.

I told them a couple of days ago that I had finally made the final decision and they took it like champs. I know they're nervous about starting over and making new friends, but I can tell they're also getting excited. Yay!!

I'm going through this very reflective period...maybe it's normal when you hit your mid-30s? I guess it's just hitting me that I need to be much more protective of, not only my time, but protective of anything that disturbs my familial peace. I feel like I've finally realized I don't need half the people in my life that are just taking up space and that I need to be much more selective in who and what gets my attention. It's a hard balance, I know...but I've decided that in this area of my life, it's OK to be selfish.

biblical bad words...

So, apparently the word "piss" is in the Bible! Yeah, I know - shocking, right? I stumbled across this little nugget when looking at a blog about Ezekiel Bread and how awful it tastes. I thought it was a joke until I pulled out my handy iPhone and opened up the Bible app - tada - there it was... 2 Kings 18:27 and Isaiah 36:12 in the King James Version. The verses are both talking about men who eat their own dung and drink their own piss. Disgusting. And people think the Bible is boring. I think this just might be the beginning of a quest to see how many bad words I can find in the Bible...if it's in The Book - does that mean it's acceptable and no longer taboo to say??

it's been a long time....

Over six months. Yikes. I'm terrible at this. So much has been going on I don't even know where to begin! The last six months seem like a blur to me. I'm sitting here trying to remember what all we've done and the only thing that stands out is that we moved last month. I think I've lost all my memory skills. I really cannot remember one thing. You really do lose brain cells with each child.

Speaking of children, mine are doing great! They just started back to school today and only a few tears were shed (by me, of course), so all in all, it was a successful day.

I promise, again, to get better at being more consistent but for now, I'll just ask that if you're reading this, you'll say a prayer for my brother in law, Bram and his family. Bram is 43 and suffered a stroke last week. He is in rehab, but has a long road ahead of him.

Thanks. Peace.