and the party has begun...

Well, I've had surgery... I've "recovered" from losing a prominent part of my body...and now, I've started chemotherapy.

Chemotherapy...such an odd word and such an odd experience to go through. Sitting in that room for 6.5 hours made the entire thing very "real". Yeah, I was scared before being hospitalized, but it lasted a moment. Chemo...this is an entirely different animal and one I'm, quite honestly, terrified of. Imagine sitting in a room with people who look like they've got a foot in the grave already and you're the only one that appears to have any life left. It's very surreal and at times, felt like I was watching it all happen from the outside.

I did my first treatment two days ago, received my Neulastin (helps keep your white blood cell count up) yesterday, and aside from a little bit of queasiness, thought I was doing great. By no stretch of the imagination did I believe that this was going to be a cake walk, but I thought for sure I could handle it.

Then I got in the car tonight to drive home from work. All of a sudden every bone in my body ached and was tender to touch. I called the doctor, to make sure this is normal...usually, my experience has been, they tell you 'oh, that's normal, you'll feel better in a day or so"...not this time. No, instead it was, 'yeah, that's normal and it will probably get worse over the next day or two.'

Meaning, hold on to your hat, lady, cause you ain't seen nothing yet.

takin' a trip...

down memory lane, that is.

I've spent the past two hours reading the past five years of blog posts. Amazing the things you forget. In 2007/2008 (by far, my best 2 years of writing), apparently, my daughter frequently put fruit down her pants. My son peed on the train table. I yelled at a woman in Wal-Mart, calling her a "big dummy"...I ranted about Christmas decorations coming up too early, reconnected with an old friend, and just lived life. I shared some rough times and some things that most people might be embarrassed to talk about...

All of you who have been part of this blog world of mine, mean so much to me. You've given feedback, you've watched as my kids have gotten bigger, you've listened to me as I worked through depression and weight gain. And, now you're here with me now, as I get ready to take on what is likely to be the hardest time of my life.

In reading tonight, I realized just how much I truly love to share...even if it's a mundane story, we can only learn from one another if we share with each other. So, here's to being transparent and open and getting to know one another again in 2012.

Have a Happy New Year.

Peace.

and so it goes...

Not a lot to report..I've met with my team of doctors, had an MRI, cut my hair really short and have tried to not let cancer be the only thing I talk or think about.

We finally told the kids...they were really good about it. Princess K thought I was contagious and Little Prince thought it was hilarious that I'm going to be bald. They both have definite opinions too on whether or not I wear a wig or scarf...I really didn't think they'd care, but they do!

I have a PET/CT scan this week to see if the cancer has spread. My MRI shows nodes affected BUT that could be residual "activity" from the biopsy. And, surgery is two weeks from tomorrow.

Emotionally, I think I'm doing rather well...waiting to have my breakdown moment, actually. Praying that doesn't happen. I'm blessed to have so many people who love me and are praying for me.

I read this in a devotional the other day and cant get it out of my mind..."The deepest level of worship is praising God in spite of pain, thanking God during a trial, trusting him when tempted, surrendering while suffering, and loving him when he seems distant." -Rick Warren

My prayer during this season is that I will truly feel God's hand in my life and that I will come out knowing that his strength is perfect.

and the results are in...

Before most of you hear about this through Facebook, I wanted to take a moment to share my thoughts on my recent breast cancer diagnosis.

I have cancer. I am not cancer. And, I hope to only have cancer for a little while longer.

It's completely natural for you to be curious, to wonder how I found it, what is my treatment plan going to look like, etc. I only ask that you give me and my family the privacy that we need. When we want to talk about it, we will. I do not mean that in a rude way, AT ALL. We've only had about a week to process, so we still have so much to work through. Like, how to tell the kids. Without freaking them out.

I so appreciate all your offers of help, prayers, support. They mean more to me than you could ever know. This is the very beginning of a very long process. Unfortunately, it's not a case of having surgery and you're done. I'll still be going on the cancer train this time next year.

In the meantime, I'll post here any thoughts, struggles, victories I have during this journey. Believing God for greater things!

and the saga continues...

Well, I'm no further than I was a few weeks ago...just more worried and more scared. I met with the specialist for the 'drain' and scheduled it for this past Friday. As I'm laying there on the table, waiting for the numbing, the doc says, "well, if it ruptures, we'll drain it and you'll be on your way, but if it doesn't, then we'll have to do the biopsy."

Ummmmm...WHAT?!?! Three days ago, I was told me it was a cyst. What's changed?

"Well, it looks more like a mass than a cyst."

This was not going well. Not what I was expecting to hear.

Needless to say, there was nothing rupturing that day. So my biopsy has been sent to pathology and I'm waiting. I have an appointment this Friday to find out what this thing growing in my chest is.

It's a very unsettling, scary feeling. I don't feel like I can vocalize what is really going through my mind. People don't want to hear that you imagine the doctor telling you that you only have months to live. Or, that you've already thought about how you will tell your children goodbye.

And, while I'm obviously praying that this is just some sort of fibroid/benign tumor, I need to prepare myself on the off-chance that it actually is something to be worried about.