could it be the rain???

Today was the second of twelve weekly chemo treatments...went well, five and a half hours sitting in a chair...not my idea of a great time, but luckily, it was raining and cold, so I cuddled up in my blanket and slept  most of the day. So far, I'm handling this 'cocktail' MUCH better than the last. So much better, in fact, that I did not feel nauseous once last week! Thank God for miracles!

I met a lady at Chick-fil-A on Saturday who wanted to know where I got my hair cut! Of course, I felt compelled to tell her, it was a wig...she's a 5 year breast cancer survivor! The people that God puts in your path to encourage you is absolutely amazing! We sat there talking for probably 20 minutes, both of us crying over our chicken and exchanged phone numbers, with a promise to attend a support group with her.

I haven't wanted to commit to a support group because I'm not sure I want to sit around and think about cancer for an hour. I don't want cancer to define me, even though I know it will always be a part of my story. I have a new date to remember - November 18, 2011. That's the day I joined the ranks of the millions of women who have a unique story to tell.

But, as I meet people at the doctor's offices, and they tell me their story, I know it's all part of the healing process. There's an elderly woman I see every week who is here all alone, has lung cancer and she told me, very matter of factly, that she thinks about ending her own life, that she has no quality of life anymore. I cry for her, but more importantly, I'm trying to be her friend. She seeks me out in the oncology room now and makes sure to tell me that she'll see me next week...maybe she's turned the corner? I hope so.

Is this why I'm going through this? I've never asked why me. I don't think that's a fair question and it serves no purpose. Why NOT me? I'm no more special than anyone else, not a 'better' person, in fact, I'm a selfish, sinful person who doesn't deserve the grace He's giving me.

"Grace is the offer of exactly what we don't deserve. Thus, it cannot be recognized or received until we are aware precisely of how undeserving we really are.  It is the knowledge of what we do not deserve that allows us to receive grace for what it is. Unmerited. Unearned. Undeserved. For that reason, grace can only be experienced by those who acknowledge they are undeserving." - Andy Stanley, Grace of God

Maybe it's the rain, but I'm feeling a bit introspective tonight.  Praying tonight that God will continue to give me grace, not only in how I deal with everything being thrown at me, but in how I deal with the people I meet, my nurses, doctors, patients, insurance people. I'm coming out on the other side, healthy and whole because Philippians 4:13 says, "I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength."

Peace,
xoxo
A

2 down..14 more to go...

I'm almost finished with round 2 of chemo. Side effects this time around were pretty awful. So much so, that we've decided now would be the time to take a leave of absence from work and make my new 'job' going to the doctor's office three times a week. Trying to be more proactive to prevent all the side effects and make it so that I don't feel like crap for 7 days.

Luckily, I only have two more of this aggressive, icky 'cocktail'...the last twelve weeks are supposed to be much more manageable and 'easy.' That would've been great to have known three weeks ago, but I digress.

In other news, I've lost all my hair.

When I said that chemo made this whole experience 'real' - I didn't really know what I was talking about. Having a towel full of your hair come out --- that makes it REAL. Since diagnosis - that was my first real meltdown. I thought I was totally prepared for it, you know, I bought my wigs, scarves, caps. Really thought it wasn't going to be a big deal. Boy, was I wrong. It was a big deal. And the completely raw emotion that erupted was unlike anything I could've imagined. Luckily, it only lasted a couple of hours and I decided it was time to move on...so I had a friend shave it all off. We experimented with a 'Flock of Seagulls' do and a Mohawk. Discovered that I'm lucky - I don't have a crazy, misshapen head and I can pull off bald like Sinead.

The bonus of losing your hair? I don't have to shave my legs anymore. This couldn't happen at a better time, with summer coming quickly.

In the meantime, I'm remembering Isaiah 41:10:

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Have a great day and be thankful for all the 'little' miracles in your life!

~A

and the party has begun...

Well, I've had surgery... I've "recovered" from losing a prominent part of my body...and now, I've started chemotherapy.

Chemotherapy...such an odd word and such an odd experience to go through. Sitting in that room for 6.5 hours made the entire thing very "real". Yeah, I was scared before being hospitalized, but it lasted a moment. Chemo...this is an entirely different animal and one I'm, quite honestly, terrified of. Imagine sitting in a room with people who look like they've got a foot in the grave already and you're the only one that appears to have any life left. It's very surreal and at times, felt like I was watching it all happen from the outside.

I did my first treatment two days ago, received my Neulastin (helps keep your white blood cell count up) yesterday, and aside from a little bit of queasiness, thought I was doing great. By no stretch of the imagination did I believe that this was going to be a cake walk, but I thought for sure I could handle it.

Then I got in the car tonight to drive home from work. All of a sudden every bone in my body ached and was tender to touch. I called the doctor, to make sure this is normal...usually, my experience has been, they tell you 'oh, that's normal, you'll feel better in a day or so"...not this time. No, instead it was, 'yeah, that's normal and it will probably get worse over the next day or two.'

Meaning, hold on to your hat, lady, cause you ain't seen nothing yet.

takin' a trip...

down memory lane, that is.

I've spent the past two hours reading the past five years of blog posts. Amazing the things you forget. In 2007/2008 (by far, my best 2 years of writing), apparently, my daughter frequently put fruit down her pants. My son peed on the train table. I yelled at a woman in Wal-Mart, calling her a "big dummy"...I ranted about Christmas decorations coming up too early, reconnected with an old friend, and just lived life. I shared some rough times and some things that most people might be embarrassed to talk about...

All of you who have been part of this blog world of mine, mean so much to me. You've given feedback, you've watched as my kids have gotten bigger, you've listened to me as I worked through depression and weight gain. And, now you're here with me now, as I get ready to take on what is likely to be the hardest time of my life.

In reading tonight, I realized just how much I truly love to share...even if it's a mundane story, we can only learn from one another if we share with each other. So, here's to being transparent and open and getting to know one another again in 2012.

Have a Happy New Year.

Peace.

and so it goes...

Not a lot to report..I've met with my team of doctors, had an MRI, cut my hair really short and have tried to not let cancer be the only thing I talk or think about.

We finally told the kids...they were really good about it. Princess K thought I was contagious and Little Prince thought it was hilarious that I'm going to be bald. They both have definite opinions too on whether or not I wear a wig or scarf...I really didn't think they'd care, but they do!

I have a PET/CT scan this week to see if the cancer has spread. My MRI shows nodes affected BUT that could be residual "activity" from the biopsy. And, surgery is two weeks from tomorrow.

Emotionally, I think I'm doing rather well...waiting to have my breakdown moment, actually. Praying that doesn't happen. I'm blessed to have so many people who love me and are praying for me.

I read this in a devotional the other day and cant get it out of my mind..."The deepest level of worship is praising God in spite of pain, thanking God during a trial, trusting him when tempted, surrendering while suffering, and loving him when he seems distant." -Rick Warren

My prayer during this season is that I will truly feel God's hand in my life and that I will come out knowing that his strength is perfect.