Monday, April 30, 2012

could it be the rain???

Today was the second of twelve weekly chemo treatments...went well, five and a half hours sitting in a chair...not my idea of a great time, but luckily, it was raining and cold, so I cuddled up in my blanket and slept  most of the day. So far, I'm handling this 'cocktail' MUCH better than the last. So much better, in fact, that I did not feel nauseous once last week! Thank God for miracles!

I met a lady at Chick-fil-A on Saturday who wanted to know where I got my hair cut! Of course, I felt compelled to tell her, it was a wig...she's a 5 year breast cancer survivor! The people that God puts in your path to encourage you is absolutely amazing! We sat there talking for probably 20 minutes, both of us crying over our chicken and exchanged phone numbers, with a promise to attend a support group with her.

I haven't wanted to commit to a support group because I'm not sure I want to sit around and think about cancer for an hour. I don't want cancer to define me, even though I know it will always be a part of my story. I have a new date to remember - November 18, 2011. That's the day I joined the ranks of the millions of women who have a unique story to tell.

But, as I meet people at the doctor's offices, and they tell me their story, I know it's all part of the healing process. There's an elderly woman I see every week who is here all alone, has lung cancer and she told me, very matter of factly, that she thinks about ending her own life, that she has no quality of life anymore. I cry for her, but more importantly, I'm trying to be her friend. She seeks me out in the oncology room now and makes sure to tell me that she'll see me next week...maybe she's turned the corner? I hope so.

Is this why I'm going through this? I've never asked why me. I don't think that's a fair question and it serves no purpose. Why NOT me? I'm no more special than anyone else, not a 'better' person, in fact, I'm a selfish, sinful person who doesn't deserve the grace He's giving me.

"Grace is the offer of exactly what we don't deserve. Thus, it cannot be recognized or received until we are aware precisely of how undeserving we really are.  It is the knowledge of what we do not deserve that allows us to receive grace for what it is. Unmerited. Unearned. Undeserved. For that reason, grace can only be experienced by those who acknowledge they are undeserving." - Andy Stanley, Grace of God
Maybe it's the rain, but I'm feeling a bit introspective tonight.  Praying tonight that God will continue to give me grace, not only in how I deal with everything being thrown at me, but in how I deal with the people I meet, my nurses, doctors, patients, insurance people. I'm coming out on the other side, healthy and whole because Philippians 4:13 says, "I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength."