Thursday, December 29, 2011

takin' a trip...

down memory lane, that is.

I've spent the past two hours reading the past five years of blog posts. Amazing the things you forget. In 2007/2008 (by far, my best 2 years of writing), apparently, my daughter frequently put fruit down her pants. My son peed on the train table. I yelled at a woman in Wal-Mart, calling her a "big dummy"...I ranted about Christmas decorations coming up too early, reconnected with an old friend, and just lived life. I shared some rough times and some things that most people might be embarrassed to talk about...

All of you who have been part of this blog world of mine, mean so much to me. You've given feedback, you've watched as my kids have gotten bigger, you've listened to me as I worked through depression and weight gain. And, now you're here with me now, as I get ready to take on what is likely to be the hardest time of my life.

In reading tonight, I realized just how much I truly love to share...even if it's a mundane story, we can only learn from one another if we share with each other. So, here's to being transparent and open and getting to know one another again in 2012.

Have a Happy New Year.


Tuesday, December 27, 2011

and so it goes...

Not a lot to report..I've met with my team of doctors, had an MRI, cut my hair really short and have tried to not let cancer be the only thing I talk or think about.

We finally told the kids...they were really good about it. Princess K thought I was contagious and Little Prince thought it was hilarious that I'm going to be bald. They both have definite opinions too on whether or not I wear a wig or scarf...I really didn't think they'd care, but they do!

I have a PET/CT scan this week to see if the cancer has spread. My MRI shows nodes affected BUT that could be residual "activity" from the biopsy. And, surgery is two weeks from tomorrow.

Emotionally, I think I'm doing rather well...waiting to have my breakdown moment, actually. Praying that doesn't happen. I'm blessed to have so many people who love me and are praying for me.

I read this in a devotional the other day and cant get it out of my mind..."The deepest level of worship is praising God in spite of pain, thanking God during a trial, trusting him when tempted, surrendering while suffering, and loving him when he seems distant." -Rick Warren

My prayer during this season is that I will truly feel God's hand in my life and that I will come out knowing that his strength is perfect.

Monday, November 28, 2011

and the results are in...

Before most of you hear about this through Facebook, I wanted to take a moment to share my thoughts on my recent breast cancer diagnosis.

I have cancer. I am not cancer. And, I hope to only have cancer for a little while longer.

It's completely natural for you to be curious, to wonder how I found it, what is my treatment plan going to look like, etc. I only ask that you give me and my family the privacy that we need. When we want to talk about it, we will. I do not mean that in a rude way, AT ALL. We've only had about a week to process, so we still have so much to work through. Like, how to tell the kids. Without freaking them out.

I so appreciate all your offers of help, prayers, support. They mean more to me than you could ever know. This is the very beginning of a very long process. Unfortunately, it's not a case of having surgery and you're done. I'll still be going on the cancer train this time next year.

In the meantime, I'll post here any thoughts, struggles, victories I have during this journey. Believing God for greater things!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

and the saga continues...

Well, I'm no further than I was a few weeks ago...just more worried and more scared. I met with the specialist for the 'drain' and scheduled it for this past Friday. As I'm laying there on the table, waiting for the numbing, the doc says, "well, if it ruptures, we'll drain it and you'll be on your way, but if it doesn't, then we'll have to do the biopsy."

Ummmmm...WHAT?!?! Three days ago, I was told me it was a cyst. What's changed?

"Well, it looks more like a mass than a cyst."

This was not going well. Not what I was expecting to hear.

Needless to say, there was nothing rupturing that day. So my biopsy has been sent to pathology and I'm waiting. I have an appointment this Friday to find out what this thing growing in my chest is.

It's a very unsettling, scary feeling. I don't feel like I can vocalize what is really going through my mind. People don't want to hear that you imagine the doctor telling you that you only have months to live. Or, that you've already thought about how you will tell your children goodbye.

And, while I'm obviously praying that this is just some sort of fibroid/benign tumor, I need to prepare myself on the off-chance that it actually is something to be worried about.

Wednesday, November 02, 2011

think pink...

No, not preggers, although at least at the end of that ordeal, you have something wonderful to take home with you. No, I'm talking about something we, as women, are all scared of, something every time we feel a twinge in our chest, or feel something odd in the shower, or visit the gynecologist - we start to worry. At least I do. Did.

About two weeks ago, while watching TV, I laid my hand on my chest and felt something hard. My husband was out of town, it was almost midnight and I did what most normal people would do - I panicked! I called my mom, crying, not sure what I expected her to tell me...but just needed someone to tell me, right then, that it's probably nothing and not to worry. I cried myself to sleep that night.

I'm a bit over-dramatic (surprise!) and as I tried to will myself to sleep, my brain was being bombarded with horrible thoughts...all the 'what-ifs' that you really shouldn't think about at one in the morning. Alone.

My doctor was able to get me in the very next morning and sure enough, it wasn't my imagination. There was a large lump sticking out of my chest. He immediately, but calmly, called for a mammogram and ultrasound. He told me that I appeared very calm and commended me on that (being cool in tough situations is not my strong suit)...but what else can you do? He can't tell me what, if anything is actually wrong with me. So I decided to not invite worry into my life.

I went for the mammogram/ultrasound and was so nervous. I'd only heard horror story, after horror story about how it felt like your boob is being smashed by the garage door. Well, girls, I gotta say - it was NOT BAD AT ALL! Sure, it's awkward - but it doesn't even come close to what I had imagined it was going to be like.

The worst part of the testing is that no one can tell you you lay there on table looking for clues in the ultrasound technician's eyes...wondering if they're seeing anything. Then you wait for a couple of days. The doctor called me, and of course, I missed the call. When he didn't just leave a message saying "hey, everything's fine," I knew that I wasn't yet finished. When we finally connected, his voice was normal and he simply said, "good news, bad news."

"The good news is that it's a cyst and we want to have it drained/biopsied. The bad news is that there is a spot on the other breast that we want better pictures of."

Again...that 'spot' could be a myriad of, he tells me to go back, do a spot compression and another ultrasound and then take all my images to a breast specialist (didn't know there was such a thing).

So, that brings us to today...had the 2nd round of mammogram and ultrasound this afternoon. The mammogram technician commented that it didn't look as bad as she initially thought (the films from last week show a fairly large and what I would call 'organized' mass), so, I'm taking that as good news.

In the meantime, I'm not going to worry. I'm not going to think about the 'what ifs' - or at least TRY not to and I'm going to encourage all my girlfriends to get to their doctors and if they suggest you go have a mammogram...don't argue with them, don't sulk...JUST DO IT!

Thursday, August 04, 2011


I'm having one of those moments where I think that it would make me a happier person if I could just suddenly not know the people I know (except my hubcaps and kiddos, of course!). It's not like someone has offended me, I just am surrounded by people and circumstances that quite honestly, I do not want to deal with anymore.

I'm tired of pretending that I find your life humorous, or cute. I'm tired of excusing your behavior. I think it all boils down to the fact that I'm going through a very selfish period in my life. Selfish, not that it's all about ME, but selfish, in that I don't want my energy to be sucked dry by stupid people anymore.

Sorry for the rant, but I DO feel better now.

Enjoy your day!

Friday, July 29, 2011

No, I didn't have another kid...

Just wanted to take a sec to explain that the child pictured here (and on my Twitter account) is NOT mine!! He's my nephew and I just liked this picture, although I'm not really sure why.

I don't get to see my nephews much and since during this particular visit, we really seemed to bond, I just wanted to re-live it again, at least for a little while. Now, since I'm here, I might as well do a little bit of here goes.

On the work front, things are great...I think I've finally moved into a position that I can sink my teeth in and grow with. Hubcaps is doing well -- working WAY too many hours right now, but praying that will subside and we can get back into a fairly "normal" routine.

The biggest thing happening in our world right now is that I made a very difficult decision to take my kids out of private school - the only school, friends, teachers they've known - and move them into a Charter School. I'm a little bit nervous about all the growth and learning opportunities (for all of us) that are just around the corner, but each day since making the decision, I just feel like God has been confirming that the right decision was made.

I told them a couple of days ago that I had finally made the final decision and they took it like champs. I know they're nervous about starting over and making new friends, but I can tell they're also getting excited. Yay!!

I'm going through this very reflective period...maybe it's normal when you hit your mid-30s? I guess it's just hitting me that I need to be much more protective of, not only my time, but protective of anything that disturbs my familial peace. I feel like I've finally realized I don't need half the people in my life that are just taking up space and that I need to be much more selective in who and what gets my attention. It's a hard balance, I know...but I've decided that in this area of my life, it's OK to be selfish.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

biblical bad words...

So, apparently the word "piss" is in the Bible! Yeah, I know - shocking, right? I stumbled across this little nugget when looking at a blog about Ezekiel Bread and how awful it tastes. I thought it was a joke until I pulled out my handy iPhone and opened up the Bible app - tada - there it was... 2 Kings 18:27 and Isaiah 36:12 in the King James Version. The verses are both talking about men who eat their own dung and drink their own piss. Disgusting. And people think the Bible is boring. I think this just might be the beginning of a quest to see how many bad words I can find in the Bible...if it's in The Book - does that mean it's acceptable and no longer taboo to say??