Monday, October 20, 2008

war...

Really. What is it good for? Absolutely nothing, but...

Apparently, the war inside my head is still raging and there doesn't seem to be anything (aside from medication) I can do about it. I got to thinking this evening that I used to do my best writing between the hours of midnight and two in the morning. I did my best housework. I did my best scrapbooking. They say that made me bipolar. Is that really true? Nah. I can't be bipolar. That's for criminals and weirdo, psycho people. Maybe I am just one of those people who actually IS a nightowl. Maybe I really CAN function on less than four hours of sleep a night. Maybe I'm just moody. Maybe??

Only problem with that thought process is that I finally burned out over the summer and unfortunately, those things that I was doing so well during my manic episode have faltered greatly. My house is a mess. I haven't done ANY scrapbooking since January. The calendars aren't updated. I just feel, I don't know.....blah. Did I mention my house is in a constant state of chaos?

I do not like the chaos. I do not like the mess. Right now I'm thinking I would rather be in my manic state, if that makes any sense. I see the shrink lady on Friday, so maybe she can offer some insight. I know that people who are manic depressive or bipolar as we now are referred to, almost always want to come off their meds becuase they feel fine or they feel better in their alternative state.....I don't know. I just don't know.

4 comments:

Jennifer said...

oh, poo! I hope you feel better soon.

Rebecca Spinder said...

Hang in there...I know you must be frustrated. Hopefully they can adjust your meds to work better in the depressive state. That is obviously where you are at right now. Be patient AND persistent in getting the right medicine for you.
Love you.

April said...

My mom is bipolar and she can NOT come off of her meds for it. It is what helps keep her in check and feeling "normal". I feel for you.

Misty said...

April I don't want to sound cliche' but I would ask for the highest physician to put you in the right hands to provide you the right answers, because I know there are a lOt of things on your that is study proven to cause your chemical state to be off set causing you to feel a bit "out of it' or 'blah" and can almost seem depressed or manic. Does that make sense?

I will pray for you girl and let us know the update, don't keep us hanging.

PS: If you had anything, it would not just "appear" , but if you did always have it things can make it go into over drive. Something tells me that based on what I have know with you, I don't know the long term history, so I could be way off, but I think you have a lot of "STUFF" on your plate and mind, causing stress, drepression and anxiety. But regardless girl, God bless you for searching out some answers and take the right step to get you back to being YOU, April!

Hugs