Thursday, January 31, 2008

won't you be my neighbor?

Today was a great day, aside from the fact that after I got home from showing homes to a client, started dinner (well, sort-of, it was mac and cheese in the blue box) and got the kids and their friend inside the house and cleaned up, my doorbell rang.

Standing on the front porch is my local police officer. I open the door cautiously, holding back Mojito from licking him to death. He says to me, "ma'am, would you mind talking to me about your neighbor?"

Me: uh, uh, what would you like to know?
PO: well, he says your kids are driving some scooters?
Me: No, they don't have scooters, they have the little Jeep power wheels
PO: Well, he claims that your kids were on his property and that the Jeep got stuck under his car and his daughter had to move it
Me: I highly doubt that, see, officer, last year, this very same crazy man stood in the middle of the street yelling at me and another neighbor about how we don't watch our children and just let them run willy nilly around the neighborhood, how we allow our kids to draw on his driveway and that he is the owner of the sidewalk. You see, sir, the man next door is CRAZY. He has a camera pointed at the driveway and another camera on the back side of his house. He keeps the window of his front door boarded up. Quite honestly, sir, I wouldn't be surprised if he's got a meth lab in there, or maybe he's producing porn in the garage. I really don't know. All I do know is that under NO circumstance was my child or children EVER on his property. This I know because each and every parent on my street KNOWS that the kids must stay off of his driveway.
(I took a breath here)
Now, Officer M, my father was watching the kids, so if by some mistake, one of them crossed over onto his property, I apologize, please let him know it will never happen again.
PO: Thank you ma'am. I'm not writing a report but here's my number if you have any problems. Maybe you could have a barbecue and invite him over and become friends.
Me: Mmmmmm, yeah, I don't see that happening. And, I would like it if you wrote up a report, just so there is a record someplace of this man's lunacy.
PO: Okay, well, uh, have a good evening. Sorry to bother you.

Can you believe this guy????? Aack!!! This man is completely insane. I swear to you, in the three years we've lived here, they have had ONE guest!! Seriously. (I am a nosy neighbor, in case you were wondering) So, I'm waiting for your ideas on how to plot my revenge....remember, there are cameras so it has to be fast and I can not be identifiable. Ok?

On another note, it's midnight and I just now realized that I've been walking around with my underwear on backwards. How on earth did I not notice? I mean, they're not a thong, so I guess, maybe....but, no, I think I just was having one of those days.

Happy Thursday to you all!! Don't forget -- post ideas!!


Steph said...

Wow he just sounds like a peach! I don't have any good ideas at the moment but if I think of any I will be sure to pass them on.

Keri said...

cameras huh.... so no flaming bags of poo then..??

~**Dawn**~ said...

One of my friends goes through magazines & pulls out those little cards for the Franklin Mint & porcelain dolls & whatever else she can find and sends them in to be delivered to the address of ex-boyfriends that really really deserve it. Or so I've heard. ;-)

And that part about your underwear? Sorry but I totally just laughed.

Chrissy said...

Call the cops non emergency number and report that you have a mysterious neighbor who boards up his windows and stuff, and you think he is doing illegal stuff! They will come out and investigate him :).

Cecily R said...

I don't have a great idea, but I LOVE Keri's answer.

Your underwear problem is too funny. Sounds like me on a regular basis. Something is always backwards on me somewhere...