Ever since the birth of my Princess K, I've been dealing with depression. It's not something I would wish on my worst enemy. I thought, as has my doc, that it is a hormonal thing. Maybe it is. It doesn't seem to be getting better, though. I am feeling myself sink. Quickly. Sinking faster than a 300lb man who gets tossed over by Tony Soprano.
Not writing so that you'll say 'oh, it will all be fine' - deep down, I think I know that, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm questioning everything I've ever believed in. Questioning my own reality. I have never, repeat, never felt this bad.
I laid in bed this morning with the blinds closed and blankets up over my ears. Sobbing. Not only not wanting to get up, but just not wanting to be.
The only thing helping me get through the past few days is the realization that I do have an appointment with a neurologist/psychiatrist on Wednesday. I've been shaking the family tree to see what mood disorders or mental health issues run in my family and it is quite startling, to say the least.
A few weeks ago, I "met" another mom (a blogger, of course!) who is dealing with some of the same issues. All I could offer her was encouragement to get help, not to be ashamed of treatment. I'm glad I did. I'm so glad I ran across her blog because it made me realize that the medication my doctor had me on was not working. So, my doctor weaned me off. This, what I'm going through now, is the result - three weeks of no meds. And I know that there is no pill to make us happy 100% of the time - who would want that, seriously? I know that we all have "down" days and "up" days but, when your down days are outnumbering your blah or up days, and you don't want to answer your phone to even talk to your friends - there is definitely a problem.
I'm looking back at my entries the past couple of weeks and begin to wonder - is the constant cleaning and organizing part of this? Is that my "up"?
I see the new doc on Wednesday - met with him once before and he is the one who suggested I look into my family history. So, now it is time for an official appointment. We'll see what happens.
Sorry if this was depressing! Just need to get it off my chest. Thanks for letting me vent.
8 comments:
I call mine "Blue days". They suck so bad ! But we'll both get through them. You're doing the right things. So many women don't talk about it or don't get help for depression.
*Big Boat Loads of SUPPORT*
Obviously I have not had any babies, yet, however I HAVE suffered from depression at a couple different trying times in my life. It's totally debilitating and miserable and I relate to that feeling of never wanting to get out of bed and face people ever again. It's tough. I think it's great that you are going to the doctor AND reviewing your family's medical tree...things that will help get you out of this "slump". And medication sucks but if it helps drag you up from that despair, it's so worth it! I'm sending you lots of *Hugs* and positive thoughts to help you through this draining time. You'll get through it!!!
You know how you said you were shaking the family tree & startled by the outcome? I think that's half the problem. Everyone acts like it's something to be ashamed of & I think that only makes you feel even more isolated. Sometimes reaching out has its own benefits. As does knowing what your DNA may make you vulnerable to. I hope you get to feeling a little more balanced sooner rather than later.
I went through the anxiety part of things after my Gracie was born. It was horrible. There were days that all I did was cry over what MIGHT happen to my family.
I'm so glad you are getting help. That is a really hard part. You'll get through this. Good luck with the new doctor. I'm proud of you for opening up and moving forward.
Lots of hugs and happy thoughts coming your way...
Hey girlie...you know, your always so upbeat and put together, I had no idea what you were going through. But I went through the same thing for a LONG time and trust me, there is a light at the end of this very dim tunnel. We definately need to talk. Get through the Holiday tomorrow and give me a call on Friday! BIG HUGS!!!
You are very brave and wise to share your experience. I admire you. Some of us just hide it... internalize it. I am dysthymic. I've had it my whole life. It tears me up inside to hear that such a talented, beautiful person has to feel this way. Look around you, you'll find others that will understand, and be there to support you... family, at church, etc.
If this is a new condition, it will most likely be temporary. While you work through it... try not to let it destroy your family or your marriage. You will question everything, that's just how it works.
Most people will discourage meds; but taking them doesn't have to be a permanent thing. If it is debilitating, then take them rather than going into a tail-spin.
Counseling and Cognitive Therapy work the best for me.
Hang in there. You are not alone.
I've done the depression thing too. Mine is worst during pregnancy. Now with baby #6 almost seven months postpartum, I'm finally feeling better. I stayed on meds throughout the entire pregnancy and until now and am just starting to wean off. Now if I could just lose that last 15lbs of baby weight which also makes me feel like crap. UGH!
So I have been really bad and I have not kept up with my Blog or the blogs of those I like to read so I am catching up on a months worth of reading today. I must thank you for your advice it has helped me in so many ways! Keep your head up and know that brighter days are coming which sounds like they have. Thanks again for all your support!
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