Ever since the birth of my Princess K, I've been dealing with depression. It's not something I would wish on my worst enemy. I thought, as has my doc, that it is a hormonal thing. Maybe it is. It doesn't seem to be getting better, though. I am feeling myself sink. Quickly. Sinking faster than a 300lb man who gets tossed over by Tony Soprano.
Not writing so that you'll say 'oh, it will all be fine' - deep down, I think I know that, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm questioning everything I've ever believed in. Questioning my own reality. I have never, repeat, never felt this bad.
I laid in bed this morning with the blinds closed and blankets up over my ears. Sobbing. Not only not wanting to get up, but just not wanting to be.
The only thing helping me get through the past few days is the realization that I do have an appointment with a neurologist/psychiatrist on Wednesday. I've been shaking the family tree to see what mood disorders or mental health issues run in my family and it is quite startling, to say the least.
A few weeks ago, I "met" another mom (a blogger, of course!) who is dealing with some of the same issues. All I could offer her was encouragement to get help, not to be ashamed of treatment. I'm glad I did. I'm so glad I ran across her blog because it made me realize that the medication my doctor had me on was not working. So, my doctor weaned me off. This, what I'm going through now, is the result - three weeks of no meds. And I know that there is no pill to make us happy 100% of the time - who would want that, seriously? I know that we all have "down" days and "up" days but, when your down days are outnumbering your blah or up days, and you don't want to answer your phone to even talk to your friends - there is definitely a problem.
I'm looking back at my entries the past couple of weeks and begin to wonder - is the constant cleaning and organizing part of this? Is that my "up"?
I see the new doc on Wednesday - met with him once before and he is the one who suggested I look into my family history. So, now it is time for an official appointment. We'll see what happens.
Sorry if this was depressing! Just need to get it off my chest. Thanks for letting me vent.